Presidents of All Time

Shondrelle Mercedes was the first of the time-traveling prostitutes to be discovered in the White House, and the first to become a household name. Her arrest was also the first public confirmation that the president of the United States had fallen under her spell.

The media had been following the scandal for several weeks. The president, taken in by her looks like a dumb country boy on his first trip to the big city, had apparently found Shondrelle in a closet at a White House reception and hired her for five thousand dollars. But, as she had to have broken into the White House in order to be hiding in the closet, the Secret Service became involved, and the FBI was called in, and a big to-do was made of it all.

That’s when she said she was a time traveller. According to her, she was going back in time to sleep with every single US president, one after the other.

“George Washington,” she told the reporters, “was an absolute hound. He kept me in bed the entire weekend. Thomas Jefferson was a real charmer. And he could keep it up all night. Andrew Jackson was a big oaf. I only did it with him to finish the set.”

She also said that the next president she was after was called Wolf Kitcher, a supposed future president who made a name for himself by winning a major space battle with the aliens.

The FBI and the Secret Service weren’t quite sure what to make of all this. The media, however, had a field day, and they ran her claims of presidential sexual escapades on every television and radio channel, in every newspaper and on the net. The beguiling girl who had seduced every president, including the current one, was a hit.

But the story didn’t stop there. It was followed a few days later by the news that a man who claimed to be an agent of the FBI and was working undercover to prove Shondrelle a liar, had been arrested. The FBI denied all knowledge of him, but he had a badge, and his story was much worse.

According to him, the White House was infested with time travelers who were using the presidential closet as a gateway through which to influence past presidents and the future history of the United States. They had a scheme whereby they would take turns going back to different presidents to plant suggestions. They were hoping that over time the presidents would become their puppets, and that their evil plan would eventually result in Wolf Kitcher’s rise to power.

This man, who gave his name as Special Agent Mikeley Sadrein, had been sent back to investigate Shondrelle’s activities and put a stop to them if necessary.

“Don’t let the president anywhere near her,” he warned the media. “She’s a real vixen. A bombshell, in fact.”

And then, just when the story had started to lose some steam, a third twist came: a second prostitute who claimed to be a time traveler was discovered. This one was a little older than Shondrelle. Her name was Elmira Rilke, and she was found hiding in the bathroom of the press room, immediately arrested, and subsequently charged.

That’s when Shondrelle decided to come out with some information about Wolf Kitcher, the future president. Sitting in a dull, bland interrogation room at the FBI’s New York headquarters, surrounded by agents, she told them all about the Corona Wars.

“You know the Corona – it’s the atmosphere of the sun,” she said. “The aliens have developed a way of harnessing the corona energy and using it to power their spaceships. The US Air Force tried to stop them, because harvesting the Corona was a threat to humanity. Wolf Kitcher was the president who sold us out to the aliens. He made a deal. We got the technology, and they got our world.”

“Hold on,” said the FBI’s head of Special Investigations. “If Wolf Kitcher’s the future president, why would he sell us out to the aliens? That makes no sense.”

Shondrelle, wearing her trademark samatri – that’s a cross between a sari and a toga, and was all the rage in the future – shrugged her shoulders. “The aliens offered him the technology and a place in their government.”

“Why would you want to go and sleep with someone like that?” asked the interrogator.

“Because,” Shondrelle explained, “it’s president love! It’s a huge thing in the future. The whole point of going back in time is to screw presidents. Why else would we do it?”

“So,” the interrogator continued, “you’re telling me that a group of prostitutes, including yourself, has been going back in time and sleeping with American presidents.”

“Right.”

“Just presidents?”

“Well, some of the girls went back to screw some senators and congressmen. And I think one of the guys slept with a Supreme Court Justice. I’m not sure about that, though. He tells tall stories sometimes. But, anyway, to give you the short version, aliens are in control of earth in the future. It’s their planet now. We’re just tenants, and we pay rent.”

“Rent?”

“Yeah. The aliens charge us rent. They get 75 percent of everything we produce, and that’s why the future’s a real drag. No one can afford to buy anything, and the economy’s totally depressed.”

“And you say the aliens gave Wolf Kitcher the technology to harvest the Corona? What technology?”

“I didn’t say that, but they did, yes. That’s what allows time travel.”

“And that’s how you got here? Using this alien technology?”

“Uh huh.”

“What sort of device is it?”

“It’s not a device,” said Shondrelle. “You have to do some complicated equations, and then the closet sends you back. It’s complicated, you wouldn’t understand.”

Something about effectively being told they were stupid by a prostitute must have annoyed the interrogator.

“Listen,” he said. “We’re trying to determine if you are an actual threat to national security, so why don’t you drop the attitude and answer my questions. What kind of alien technology is it that allows you to travel back in time?”

“I’m bored now,” said Shondrelle. “You’ll never figure it out. It’s a combination of advanced technology and quantum physics. Anyway, can I have some of that drink? What was it again? Coke?”

“That’s it,” said the interrogator. He motioned to his colleagues, and they escorted her from the room.

Shondrelle’s testimony was all anyone could talk about. The future was in ruins, the aliens were taking over the earth, and Wolf Kitcher was a species traitor.

The FBI and the Secret Service spent several more months rounding up people, including two more prostitutes, who all confessed to being time travelers. They checked the closet, and the wall behind it, for signs of advanced alien technology, but there was none.

Eventually, it was determined that the prostitutes had either been making it up or were all insane, and that was that. They were given a quick trial, and found guilty of the lesser charge of being a public nuisance, and were sentenced to ten years’ imprisonment.

But by then the damage had been done. Wolf Kitcher was five years old and already a national celebrity. Everyone loved him. And that, of course, would surely lead to his rise to the presidency and the eventual downfall of humanity.

As for the aliens, well, they were merely businessmen spreading the gift of capitalism to the whole universe. Who could be against that?