Apocalypse Today!: How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

It’s a day like any other, and then it isn’t. Something happened and now everyone is dead (except you), but that doesn’t mean you’re safe! I’m talking about zombies of course, and there are plenty of them. They can come from anywhere – cars, sewers, even your own house if you aren’t careful. As long as you make sure not to get bit, you’ll be fine. Here are some tips for living in a zombie apocalypse:

1. The most important thing when facing a horde of zombies is to avoid getting bitten at all costs. If you’re bit, you will die. Don’t worry too much though, because zombies don’t move very fast and they are easy to outrun. That being said, if one gets close enough to bite you, you’re done for. This means you have to stay on your toes at all times.

2. Use alleys or side streets whenever possible. Zombies usually travel down main roads where there’s lots of space and they can gather together into a big crowd. You’ll have a better chance of sneaking past them if you stick to less-traveled paths.

3. Don’t make noise! Noise attracts them and makes it harder to sneak away. Keep quiet at all times and use your head – do you really need to go outside? Probably not!

4. Know how to defend yourself. You should know at least how to fight off zombies – whether with a knife, gun, or whatever else you might find. Every city has some sort of weapons cache somewhere (apparently), so try looking around.

5. Burn your house to let the zombies know they are not welcome there. It’s a tough decision to make, but those who survive are going to be those who make the toughest calls.

Remember – the apocalypse could arrive at any moment! You may let your guard down but I won’t. Stay alert and stay alive.

The Elites Are Planning to Kill Us All

The elites have a secret plan to kill us all. Is it any surprise? They’re rich, powerful people with access to unlimited resources and know-how. The apocalypse will be their doing. When the streets are flooded with zombies and our cities crumble into dust, they’ll get away unscathed thanks to their private security forces.

This isn’t some crazy conspiracy theory I came up with after reading too many zombie novels. It’s not even a conjecture or hypothesis; it’s based on hard evidence from previous events. Nuclear power plants are essentially zombie generators! The evidence is all around us, yet there are many who don’t seem to want to see it. They’re in for a shock!

The elites are terrified of people like me. I can teach people the truth. All they’d have to do to shut me up is to shoot me in the head, but they know that won’t work because my words would live on forever through my website, YouTube channel and social media accounts. They’d have to jump through a lot of hoops to take those down. Even then, people would still remember what I said. That given, I feel secure enough to say whatever I please.

So why am I saying this? Well, it’s obvious if you think about it. Why else would the elite bother spending so much time trying to discredit me? Think about it: If I’m really just a crazy conspiracy theorist, why would their shill scientists oppose what I say? It’s not that I’m wrong, it’s that they’re conspiring against me.

Of course, anyone could be a shill. Most people are sheep and will believe anything they read. But, when the elites use shills to attack me, it shows how serious they are. This means they’re afraid of what I say. And, why wouldn’t they be? What I talk about isn’t mere “conspiracy theory.” It’s science, history and common sense – all rolled up into one tidy package.

Beware the apocalypse, people. It’s coming, one way or another. Prepare yourself while you still can.

Why I Hate the Millennials

Millennials really get my blood up. They’re a bunch of entitled, lazy, whiny little shits that are bringing this country to its knees. It’s disgusting what they’re doing to our economy and culture. They won’t survive the apocalypse.

All they know how to do is have long debates about rights, feelings, and tolerance. What happened to hard work? Try telling the zombies that roam the earth after the apocalypse what your pronouns are! They won’t care. All they’ll want you for is as a snack. We need to stop coddling these people and teach them some reality. The useful skills that will serve us in a zombie apocalypse have nothing to do with being “tolerant” or whether or not black people should be slaves. It’ll be all about survival.

Let’s look at some facts: Millennials like to use social media. Social media is going to collapse. Millennials like to watch TV shows on Netflix. Those companies are going to collapse. See the pattern yet? Everything the millennials like is going to fall to the ground, and when there’s no one to coddle them, what will they do? If there is no more Starbucks, where will they hang out? Will they still feel safe if there’s no longer any such thing as an iPhone 11?

The only way to deal with these people is to ignore them completely. You can’t reason with them—they’ve never been taught how. Their parents were too busy playing video games to raise them properly. They’re pretty much just zombie feed. We, on the other hand, are prepared. We’ve stocked up on food. We’re ready for anything. We’re not afraid to go weeks without food or haul water from rivers. We don’t give a damn what anyone says, and we take pride in that. We’re going to make it through this mess. This generation has already failed. Don’t let them drag you down with them. The zombies will take care of them for us.

You know, the more I think about the impending apocalypse, the more I’m convinced that it’s actually a good thing. Sure, the world will be turned upside-down and the human race will be forced to adapt quickly. We’ll have to start over from scratch. But sometimes I think that’s what we need – it’ll put an end to all this millennial social media bullshit. Maybe the apocalypse will finally show these kids who’s boss.

Gun Up!

Something like “gun control” could only ever be thought up by some pussy, coddled millennial. I mean, what was it that had them all in such a tizzy? The fact is that guns are what we need for self-defence, and for killing zombies after the apocalypse happens. And if you think about it, that’s exactly why some people want to ban them – the government wants to kill us all, so of course they’re going to strip us of the one thing that might actually save our lives.

Well, I say fuck ’em. Let them try and take my gun away from me! If they do, then they better bring their army with them – because I’m not gonna let any of those pansy-assed politicians get their hands on my guns.

I’ve been stockpiling weapons for years now, just in case the worst should happen. When the end of the world hits, you can bet I’ll be holed up in my basement with a bunch of ammo and bullets, ready to put down anyone who comes near me! After all, there’s nothing wrong with a little self-defence, is there?

Anyway, today I went out into town to pick up some more supplies before the apocalypse, and I also picked up some foil blankets and rope. You never know when these things will come in handy, especially when you’re trying to survive in the wilds during a zombie outbreak.

It’s all about being prepared, people. That’s the only way to survive, really. Get everything you need while you still have time, because once the apocalypse hits, the shops will be ransacked in seconds! I’ve stocked up on everything from mince pies to a box of twelve condoms (just in case). Got lots of chocolate bars too; I don’t fancy sharing my supplies with no zombies.

The end times are coming, my friends. They’re getting closer every day, and soon it’ll all be over. But at least I’ll be alive, ready to fight off all those flesh-eating freaks. So tell your loved ones how much you care about them, because you never know when you’ll get another chance.

This is the kind of shit that makes me wish the end of the world would hurry up and arrive already. I can’t wait to see all the pussy-ass politicians get their brains sucked out by ravenous zombies. It’s always good to be prepared for anything, and this is definitely something I’m prepared for, no matter what anyone says!

If I Ran the World

I have a vision, folks. And it’s not just any old vision, either; this is one of those “change your life forever” moments. If I ran the world, things would be different. Big time. Not only that, but they’d be better! Far, far better than they are now. The end result wouldn’t be some kind of Utopian paradise where everybody got along and nobody ever did anything wrong or bad – if such a place existed, I’m sure people would still try to find ways around it.

No, instead, my vision for what could be will help us get through these trying times, particularly the upcoming apocalypse. It’s a take-no-prisoners solution that can bring the world back from the brink of disaster by making the most out of the current situation.

Welfare? Out! No more free money, no more handouts for anybody who asks. You’ll work or you’ll die. Yes, I know that sounds harsh, but think about it. What good does welfare do except keep lazy people out of trouble and give them a reason not to pull their own weight? They’re doing nothing with all that free money and food stamps, so why should we pay for it? I don’t care if your legs aren’t working – get the fuck up and work! And if you can’t work, you’re useless.

Guns? In! We need guns for self-defence – there can be no justice without an AR-15. Arm everybody! Make sure every citizen has a gun – even the kids. Teach them how to use it properly. It’s our God-given right. Just yesterday, a toddler was snatched from its mother in Arizona – that wouldn’t have happened if the little one had been holding a Glock!

Television? Social media? Out! Let’s put something real in our kids’ hands instead of the fake, wishy-washy crap on TV. Better yet, let’s teach them how to work with their hands – build stuff. Teach them to fix things. Make them useful. In a world full of zombies, there will be no room for the useless!

Work? In! Get off your ass and make something happen. That means you too, freeloaders! I don’t care if you’re sick, injured, old, pregnant, whatever – you better start working or else. It’s layabouts doing nothing and consuming resources that are destroying society!

Drugs? Out! Yes, I said it. All drugs out. Drugs are just an escape from reality. They’re not worth it. If you want to get high, go outside and feel the wind on your face. Smell the flowers. It’s natural and it’s good. But don’t take certain parts of those flowers and ingest them or anything! That’s unnatural!

Religion? In! Religion is very important! We need religion like we need air. Without it, mankind would probably turn into a bunch of mindless (gun-toting) animals. God is your salvation! Atheism is a disease of the mind that no reasonable society would accept! Accept him and pray for forgiveness!

Sex? In! As long as you don’t do it in public. People shouldn’t have sex in front of other people – that’s what degenerates do. Do it behind closed doors, not in a car. In your bedroom. For the sake of decency, please keep the noise down. Nobody wants to hear your filthy sex noises. Oh, and no contraception – if you want to have sex, then having a kid is your price!

As you can see, my plan is guaranteed to work. I’ve thought about this for a long time, and now I’m ready to share my ideas with the world. Change starts with me, but it doesn’t stop there. Every single person on earth needs to buy into this plan – it’s that important. Luckily, thanks to the apocalypse, the number of pussies on the planet will be reduced to zero, and the only people left will be hardened warriors!

The future begins here. The future begins with me. I will be the law of the land, and I won’t take no for an answer.

Is Humanity Screwed?

I’ve been asked by several readers if humanity is screwed. They feel that we stand no chance against the challenges that the apocalypse will bring. To those people, I say: if you’re too lazy to survive a zombie outbreak and the subsequent collapse of society, I’d wager you won’t last long!

Look, people, this is not an academic exercise. What we have are the cold, hard facts, and nothing is going to change that. If we start second-guessing ourselves now, all hope for survival will be gone. We have to take action first and worry about whether or not it’s the right action later! So let me put your mind at ease. You can relax and stop worrying. No, I don’t think humanity is screwed, if we prepare properly. Yes, there will be widespread death and destruction, but that’s largely a good thing in this society.

Anyone who doubts their own strength might as well just lie down and wait for a zombie to start chewing on their windpipe. The truth is that most humans are weak little piggies. There aren’t very many strong men or women out there anymore – another disease of the modern, millennial-strewn age. It makes me so glad they’re all going to be rotting away or cleaved into pieces during the upcoming apocalypse!

Now I know what you’re thinking: “I’m not weak!” Well, prove it! Get off your ass, quit watching TV, and start preparing for the shock of a lifetime!

The key to surviving the apocalypse lies in preparation. In the end, it’s all about having the proper mindset. A lot of people claim they’re prepared for everything, but when push comes to shove, they fall apart. Same story with basically anyone under the age of 30.

The world has taught us that we can rely on others for help. As a result, our sense of self-reliance has been eroded, and we’re not nearly as tough as we once were. That needs to change, or we really are screwed. Grab your guns and hold tight!

It’s pretty obvious that most people are going to die. If you hope to be one of the survivors, you can’t go all soft. Be willing to do whatever it takes to save yourself and maybe even a few others. Don’t be afraid to kill someone if they threaten you. Don’t whine and complain either. Just because everyone else is being a pussy doesn’t mean you should be one too. Go lift an entire truck full of water bottles and then tell me how tough you are. If you can’t, then you’re just a silly millennial who’s destined for the teeth of a rotting zombie.

If you’re still with me after reading this, you probably fall into the category of someone who will make it through the apocalypse. Good! Now get ready for a wild ride!

Invisible Immigrants

You know, there’s been talk of aliens lately. You know, the kind that fly around in spaceships and visit us from other planets? Yeah, those kinds of aliens. Well, if they are here, I know exactly what we should do: send them packing!

Aliens are essentially illegal immigrants from outer space who have no right to be here at all. We have enough immigrants already, so why would we want more? It’s not like they’re going to get any work done if we let them stay anyway.

Besides, the apocalypse will make this planet thoroughly undesirable for every green, slimy little man that wants to probe our assholes or stick a tentacle up our butts. So they’ll leave, you can count on it.

Aliens are the least of your problems, people. They’re just a distraction from the impending armageddon. You really need to focus on the real issue at hand: how do we survive?

I’m not saying that aliens don’t exist. I’m just saying I don’t care. I’m not going to let some space men get in the way of my doomsday preparations. That’s what I am doing with the money I make as a freelance writer: investing in survival supplies and getting ready for the end times.

That is what all these articles about aliens are really about: a diversion. But I’m not fooled. No apocalypse is going to put me down without a fight! I’ve got a lot of ideas to survive out there, and I hope you’ll listen to me when I say that you don’t have to take it lying down either.

When our world is decimated and the streets are filled with the poor, rotting husks of those we once called our friends, family, neighbors, and lovers, rest assured that I’ll be there, armed to the teeth and ready to smash in heads.

So please, everybody, stop talking about aliens. It’s just a waste of time. There are much more important things to worry about, like the fact that the apocalypse is coming. There’s absolutely nothing else you need to be thinking about now. It’s just us and the end. And I promise you, as soon as it arrives, I’ll be out there kicking ass and taking names.

The World Without Social Media

We have to be prepared, folks, because when the apocalypse hits, you won’t see it coming. Or at least that’s what they say. But who are “they” anyway? Probably the ones who will engineer the apocalypse.

Anyway, the apocalypse will mean the end of social media – and yes, I’m talking about Facebook and Twitter as well as Instagram and Snapchat. All of it’s going to be wiped off the face of the planet.

That’s right: No more scrolling through your news feed or looking for updates on people’s lives; no more sharing videos and pictures from all over the world with a quick click; no more receiving hundreds of notifications daily telling you that somebody liked your post/tweet/picture.

It’s gonna be great! And I know this is hard to believe, but when you think about the amount of time we spend online now – in the future, we’re going to be spending all of that sneaking around abandoned grocery stores, looking for the last morsels of food looters didn’t take, or wandering around in search of water supplies. It’ll be like the old days before civilization was lost. Doesn’t that sound incredible to you? No more smartphones, no TV, no internet, no air conditioning, no electricity… ahhhhhh, life without technology. It’s going to be wonderful!

Of course, some are saying that we might not experience an actual apocalypse, but rather just a technological disruption. To those people, I say you are dumb. The apocalypse is coming, and only the people who are preparing for it right now will survive! Think about this: Do you really want to carry on liking and sharing and posting and updating every single minute of your day? You already look like a zombie! And you’ll be the first to get infected by the plague that’s going to wipe out humanity. So, please, stop reading this article and start stocking up on canned goods.

The apocalypse is inevitable, and it’s going to be fantastic, not having to look at people’s meals, worry about getting kidnapped by sex traffickers instead of meeting your Tinder date, and being bombarded with political ads all day long. At last, we will truly be able to live in the truest sense of the word – we’ll be spending time with our friends and loved ones, if they’re not dead. We’ll be outside, enjoying nature – because there won’t be any cars or airplanes, so we won’t have to sit in traffic every day. And we won’t need televisions anymore because we can just talk to each other! Isn’t it great?

I know that you’re probably thinking that I’ve been watching too much TV, but think about it: The zombies are real. They exist. And they’re going to be taking over the earth, one bite at a time. If you don’t believe me, that’s your problem. You won’t even be alive after the apocalypse anyway, so what does it matter? Go ahead and keep using your phone while you’re still breathing, but I promise you that the rest of us will be living a far better existence without your dumb face plastered all over our feeds.

What Is Life Really All About?

The end of the world is coming. In the face of this news, some people have contacted me asking what the point is. Yes, we want to survive, but for what?

Again, just like with the aliens, you’re getting distracted, people! The apocalypse is all you need to be thinking about! I won’t let the absence of answers to the fundamental questions of existence stop me from being prepared. I don’t care what the purpose of life is; that’s not my problem. My only concern right now is how to ensure survival. Forget about philosophy and spirituality – the one thing I know for sure is that there will be a zombie apocalypse. And when it happens, you can bet your ass I’m going to be ready.

You people let yourselves get distracted so easily. You spend too much time worrying about what the meaning of life might be, or whether we really are alone in the universe. You just need to get ready to survive the end, because it’s gonna hit hard. This isn’t some Hollywood bullshit where everyone gets together at the last minute to save the world by sacrificing themselves. We have real zombies out here, and they’re hungry for human flesh. Unless you want to become one of them, get your ass in gear!

I’ve already been stockpiling food, weapons, and ammo, as well as learning how to fight off the undead. I’ve even got an underground bunker, stocked with canned goods and bottled water. I’ve got ventilation (to purify the air in case the zombie plague becomes airborne), medicine, and generators if the power goes down. I’m ready – are you?

Do you think you’ll be able to do what needs to be done when the time comes? Do you have any idea what you’d do if you were confronted with a horde of zombies outside your door? Are you confident that if push came to shove, you could take out a bunch of zombies?

Who cares what the purpose of it all is? The fact is, you need to be ready to survive. That’s what matters! So quit wasting your time trying to find meaning in everything and just focus on preparing yourself. You don’t see dogs worrying about why they exist, do you? They just gotta go potty. Let’s use their example, shall we?

I don’t regret a thing. Every single moment I lived was worth it, and every person who died while under my care was beyond deserving. I’ve never, ever stopped to think if what I’m doing is “moral” or “worth it” and I’m not gonna start now. I’m gonna raise hell until the very end, and that’s all there is to it. I’m gonna die with my boots on and my shotgun in my hand, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Fuck everything else.

In this series (Halloween 2024)

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